Summertime, and the living's... not always that easy

June 30, 2017

It's been pretty much nonstop since January... me going back to work, Brett coaching track, two kids... that might not seem like a lot on paper, and Brett being done with his Master's is definitely a huge relief (we pretty much replaced that with child number two haha) but it is definitely physically and emotionally draining. We attended my brother's graduation in Bozeman which is not the shortest of drives and we both only took Friday off so it was a super whirlwind trip and with one child not doing as well in the car, it was an exhausting trip. We did bring Ali back for two weeks which was fun, but we were just so busy at that point in the school year that I wish she could have been here for a couple weeks during the summer.

Towards the end of the school year, I was really looking forward to spending the summer staying home with the kids. I really like my job but was missing all that quality time I felt I was missing since essentially I saw them for a bit in the morning but then when we came home, it was a little downtime then I was cooking dinner, getting them ready for bed, and then getting myself into bed. We'd do stuff on the weekends but by Sunday night we were all still exhausted trying to catch up on chores (which were never fully caught up on) as well as fit in some fun family time while also balancing the nap and feeding schedule of Lucy.

I knew staying at home wasn't going to be easy but it definitely took more of an adjustment than I expected! One kid is up and ready for breakfast. Ok they're done, now the other one is up and ready to eat. Ok Lucy is ready for a nap so gotta get her down real quick so she can sleep before scooting off to Finn's swim lessons. Now back home and rush to get everyone lunch but probably nurse Lucy first so she can take a nap but I am really trying to stop breastfeeding so now I need to make a bottle and Finn is also hungry and I am also hungry. Ok Lucy is down, Finn's lunch is in the making, I am snacking as healthily as I can so I don't get too hangry. Finn's lunch is eaten, time for his rest and now time for my rest. Oh, there's Lucy up from her nap...

So... it's been busy! And it's like, I'm home all day, why does the house look like such a mess? When is the last time I did laundry? The dishwasher is also probably full... clean or dirty, who knows but definitely one or the other. We are getting better adjusted now and Lucy hasn't breastfeed in at least 3 or 4 days! I was a little nervous with her since she is such a little cuddler/clinger but I feel like I had a good mix of going cold turkey and easing out of it. I do not want to be pumping when I go back to school and she honestly is getting so tall that it can feel very cumbersome trying to nurse her. Plus, she kept smacking me in the face, pulling my hair, poking me in the mouth, eyes, etc., etc. Those are silly reasons, but she is also really digging solid foods and enjoys a wide variety so I know she is getting the nutrients she needs. She also likes formula which she will really only have to have for about another month until we can switch to regular milk. I felt the timing was right and it's working out. Finn also stopped at 10 months so I don't have to feel guilty if I went longer with one than the other.

Another bigger milestone, well, two, actually, Lucy finally has some teeth! Holy smokes they took forever to pop through but they are there! Still slowly making their appearance but they are there alright. She has also officially started walking. She has been taking a few steps here and there but the most was today at the library when she took about 8! She stood up on her own, took a few steps, kind of stumbled, stood back up, took a few more then decided to crawl again since that is still faster, but wow! Another early walker!

We are headed off on the family's first camping trip of the summer and Lucy's first ever! Well, we are hoping there are some campsites tomorrow. We are headed to Craters of the Moon on our way to Tetonia for the 4th and decided that would be a good kind of halfway point to stop and camp! Lucy has been pretty much sleeping through the night now (7-5) so I am hoping she still does well on the road. We are at least beginning the trip a little more rested than at the beginning of the summer!

Shoshone Falls

Mother's Day

Snack time at Kirkham Hot Springs

Odesza

9 month checkup

4 and 30

I have been sitting in our den for almost an uninterrupted hour and literally have not known what to do with myself. I so rarely have this much time just to do whatever I want that is not sleeping. I always laugh that the shower and the toilet are where I have most of my epiphany moments like realizing that I finally have some time to blog. However, even my shower and  potty times are usually in the company of one or two kids. Has anyone ever sat on your lap while you go to the bathroom? It's happened at least twice in the last two months... *sigh* such is the norm when you have one bathroom and two kids, I guess. I do like that I can plop Lucy on the floor of the bathroom to play with the tub toys while I shower, though. That has actually been really nice. She does like her playpen from time to time but when Finn is still asleep, keeping her in with me can assure she will be quieter and know where I am,

Anyway, things have been going well. Finn turned 4 this month and I turned 30. I feel like both he and I age about 6 months before our birthday anyway so I already felt 30 and he already felt 4. But, it is nice to have the formality of the birthday to make it official. Finn has been acting so grown up and certain more negative behaviors have drastically disappeared upon turning to that magical number 4. It might also have to do with our awesome new sticker system (Ali, if you're reading this, it is never to early to start the dots!), which he loves and helps motivate him to be a "good boy". I think now he kind of gets the point of it and understands reward vs. consequence. for example, he gets a sticker for taking a bath (this is an incentive for me too because there have definitely been times when I cannot remember if it has been two or nine days since his last bath... haha oops!) and two stickers if he doesn't cry when getting his hair washed. I don't know what it is, but he refuses to close his eyes, despite the numerous reminders and positive encouragement from both Brett and I to do so, thus resulting in a less than happy bath time. He has gotten much better. A few weeks ago he came out from his bath and said, "hey dad! I get two stickers cuz I didn't cry when mom washed my hair!" It's the little things... He's also shown more interest in helping with chores and he's just all around growing up; it's adorable. But, he is still trying to find a balance since he gets jealous of the type of attention we show Lucy since she is still a baby so he will try and snuggle us more, which we both love. Speak of the devil look who's up! (He tried to get up at 5:15 and it is now 8:15...)

Along with Finn becoming a big boy, Lucy has also learned like 3 new skills right in a row...Not only can she crawl, but 6 days later, was pulling herself up to stand, and long with that, has climbed onto the hearth and trying to scoot along the couch but is still nervous about that. Holy smokes, chica, too fast! I wasn't thinking she'd walk until around a year but with that little spurt, I wouldn't be surprised if it's around 9 or 10 months! She cracks me up sometimes, like when she wants to be picked up, flaps her arms and pants like a dog. Or when someone else is holding her and she sees me, will kick her legs in excitement; it's very cute 😊

Ok, so my turn. I know Brett turned 30 too, but that was a long time ago so he's been old for a while now. Haha... but really, I thinking with him being in the same profession for 5+ years (and the same school!), finishing his Masters, excelling in running, he has really established himself as an "adult". I've been all over the place with jobs and careers and hobbies that who even knows whats happening next. Plus adding mom to the list, well, I have had to get really comfortable with change and being flexible.

That being said, I am very happy with where I am now. There were a few days there that I wasn't sure it was for me and questioning if I was even good at my job. I have stopped asking the question, "do I want to do this forever?" because I never know the answer other than mom is about the only one for sure, and I am ok with that. So for now, whether that is 2 years or 20 years, I am happy with my job. It is tough, don't get me wrong, but it is the type of interaction with kids that makes sense to me. There are only 7 kids in the class, all with their own little behavior or academic issues that can still make it feel like a classroom full of 30 kids, but with only 7, I can really work more 1 on 1 with the students and building a relationship that they trust. A lot of these kids struggle with at least reading, but other subjects too, so they respond by being known as the "naughty" kid, instead of the "dumb" kid.

This job is also an exercise in patience. Like, sometimes, these kids don't back down. They know what they want and their tunnel vision game is STRONG. Nothing I can say sometimes will get through until they can finally deescalate and we can really talk through the root of the issue. To be honest, it's fascinating sometimes. And just they way that some of these kids talk to adult. Um, totes rude. But, sometimes they are super sweet and genuinely hilarious! You have to always be on your toes in this class and that's why we are there. And that's why I really like this job.

Apples and Oranges

Well, I was really excited about finally being able to get back to blogging because I had a new blog that I was editing.. buuut apparently it didn't save. Which is really frustrating. I mean, it's not like I have tons of time to myself...

Ugh. Whatever.

That blog was going to be about how different the two kids are so I guess I will just pick it up and try again.

So. Kids are different. Lol... it kinda seems that when you have a kid, the next one is going to be the same because it's a baby, how different can they really be? Well, actually really different. I have made the joke of Copy, Paste because Finn and Lucy look a lot alike but they are literally night and day.

Finn has always been on the move. AL. WAYS. I mean, he was walking at 9 months. Lucy is 7 1/2 months and can barely crawl! She just learned how to sit up on her own last week and has been practicing that... which is great, but babies like to practice at night when they should be sleeping through the night 😉 But, there is totally nothing wrong with that and to be honest, I am glad to be able to enjoy the baby stage for a while longer. We barely got to enjoy any infancy with Finn. He wouldn't even want to be swaddled, let alone even cuddled or snuggled as he got older -- just wanted to explore. Lucy, on the other hand, gives little hugs and it is so stinkin' cute. The nice thing about Finn being first though, holy crap would we have been in for a rude awakening if Lucy was our calm little first child and then WABAM! Action-packed Finnegan arrives! So thanks, Finn, for paving the way! I am sure this will not be the only time Lucy thanks you for being the first!

This picture cracks me up...
I wanted to get a picture of her sitting in her crib
but the light was too bright!
(We have since moved her mattress down...)

Finn has been able to put all his energy to good use -- climbing the tree in the backyard barefoot, for example, and freaking me the heck out. He is also very athletic and good at pretty much any sport he has tried so far. I know, I know, all mothers say that but really! He can hit a wiffle ball out of the air, make solid contact to a tennis ball with his racquet, make basket after basket in his little hoop, and is super fast and coordinated in soccer. Brett is counting down the days he and Finn can go for runs together. as he approaches 4, he is also able to just sit and work on his legos and now puzzles for long stretches at a time. It was actually really cute this morning, he and Lucy were in the den for close to an hour or so. Finn was working on a puzzle and his cars/legos and Lucy just watched and nibbled on whatever toys were close by. It was super cute.

Lucy is just so chill. Like, actually sat with Brett and watched some of my tennis match today. She is good in church, good in the car now (no more screaming trips to Costco! ha!), and loves sitting in her little stroller, taking in the world around her. She is also pretty quiet but has been babbling more recently which is cute. Her first word was "mama" so let's just remember that because now all she says is "dadada" and "blahblahblah". She has also taken to sleeping at night wayyy better than Finn and was interested in food way too early for her to start eating it. She was pumped when she was able to eat "solid" food. And she loves pretty much all of it!

With Finn, I just got excited about him being mobile because it was like, "well, I guess he's not a baby anymore (at 2 months haha) so it will be fun when he can crawl and move around." With Lucy it's like, "aw, isn't snuggling nicely in bed so nice?" I am of course excited for when she can move around and for the ridiculously frilly dresses I want to get her for Easter because toddler girls in ridiculous dresses are the best!

The tough part about talking about their differences is comparing what each did "better" or "sooner" or whatever but the truth is, that's all they are, just differences. Our kids cover a variety of behaviors and dispositions but neither one is wrong or better; just different. Sometimes I worry that Lucy is behind because she isn't hoisting herself up on to tables yet or maybe Finn has too much energy but they are both right where they should be. Lucy is not quite as huge as Finn was but she is definitely not a shrimp haha. They are also pretty much the best of friends. Lucy has been looking up to her big brother since day one and Finn loves her so much and is always looking out for her. I hope that lasts!

I have really enjoyed the fact that Finn has gotten in to watching basketball with us. He watched a lot when we started watching the tournament and would cheer or boo when his team scored or missed; it's pretty funny. He's also a hardcore Gonzaga fan and that is pretty awesome. I mean, it's not a surprise, but I am just glad he gets excited about 'Zaga!

And on that note, it is just about time to watch a historical Final Four game! GO ZAGS!

Bouncing Back

"So, how long did it take to bounce back?"

I have gotten this question a couple of times after pregnancy and I have to say, it's not really that easy. And to be perfectly honest, your body never truly "bounces back". I say that cautiously as I seem to be the exception to every pregnancy and post-pregnancy rule there is. I am more ok with it now but with Finn, it was much more difficult. I literally had no idea that I would still look pregnant even after giving birth. So that was a fun surprise.

News flash, I struggle with body image. Gaining weight during pregnancy was a struggle for me in that I didn't want it to happen and had a hard time understanding and accepting my new body. "They" (whoever "they" are) say that it takes 9 months to grow a baby, it will take 9 months or more to go back to your old weight or close. "They" also say that breastfeeding will "melt away the pounds".   To be honest, there are you many "definites" when you read pregnancy blogs (something I did way less of with Lucy because holy crap they were infuriating sometimes): "you WILL have morning sickness", you WILL have great skin, your boobs WILL get huge, your feet WILL grow a size or so larger... Ok, well, to most of these statements I gave a big LOL. I had found a really great blog once with all these pregnancy symptoms that took every symptom saying this may happen but it may not which was perfect for me. I was so tired of the emphasis on what will and should happen to me because then I felt like I was doing it wrong. Ok, unless you are excessively drinking/smoking/eating crap, you can't really be doing it wrong. Every woman is different and unique. AND each pregnancy can be unique! My skin was GREAT with Finn and AWFUL with Lucy... etc. 

So anyway, nobody tells you (or at least no one told me, but I never thought to ask) about what it is like after baby because they don't want you to maybe decide not to have a baby? I don't know but I would have like to know what I was getting myself into. I was able to exercise a little more with Finn but with Lucy, I struggled getting from the back door to the front door without getting winded... that's about a 10 foot walk. I gained more with Lucy partly because she ended up being a huge baby (10 pounds 1 ounce) and partly because of all the stress of job stuff and anticipating a second child. I literally had some panicked times of "I have forgotten everything a bout having a newborn, what do I do?!" And of course that my stretch marks were multiplying like wildfire... it's all very glamorous. I was also heavier when I got pregnant with Lucy than I was with Finn so I had that going for me... so even more weight to lose at the end.

My first OBGYN with Finn kept making comments about how if I kept gaining weight, it was going to be that much harder to lose. Thank you. What do you propose I do? Stop eating? I didn't really eat that much more, yes, I ate more at times (being pregnant during the holidays is both awesome and terrible) but I tried to maintain healthy eating habits. I actually struggled putting any weight on in the beginning because I was terrified to do so. It took about a year before I was really able to be back into exercising. Part of that was because he nursed until 10 months and that really can be draining (ha, punny, I'll be here all week). But seriously, pair that with lack of sleep, him walking at 9 months, figuring out how to parent, and starting a new job, it was already a lot so exercise got pushed to the side.

But I worked at it and I got in pretty good shape that next year until I slacked off again and got too busy. We were trying for a second after Finn turned 2 with no success... there were a couple times where I thought I definitely was but I was not. There was also one time were I was convinced I was pregnant despite no positive test. I was also convinced that I miscarried. I experienced some weird pain and nausea and discomfort that I hadn't ever before. Feeling excited for a baby and then repeatedly seeing those negative signs can be frustrating and disappointing, to say the least.

Anyway, all this was stressful and work was stressful and we were trying to plan around some future events were were trying to attend... anyway, I got really down and gained more weight. I even went to a doctor to see if maybe something was up and I couldn't get pregnant anymore. But then I finally got pregnant! Yay!

I was super cautious this time around just because the previous several months. That probably contributed to me struggling to stay active because I just wanted to get through this pregnancy with no issues. I played tennis, with considerable difficulty and that was about it. I couldn't even bring myself to go to the gym or even go for a walk because I was just so uncomfortable.

I ended up gaining 42 pounds with Finn and 46 with Lucy. I lost 22 in the hospital with Lucy (don't remember Finn) so that was nice but i still have a long way to go. I definitely looked more pregnant after birth this time than with Finn but at least I was ready for it this time. I am not going to lie, it is hard to see a different body in the mirror and in clothes that once fit differently and I don't really look at myself much. I really try to work through how I feel rather than what I look like or how I think I should look but it is hard. There are plenty of moms who are able to workout right through to the end of pregnancies with teeny baby bumps and no stretch marks but I am not one of those moms. But, the important part is that I am keeping my babies happy and healthy (to the best of my ability) and trying to do the same for me.

So did I bounce back? It just depends on the timeline you are looking at. No, at 6 weeks I was not back to normal like all Hollywood moms on the cover of every magazine. I don't have a personal trainer, night nurses, nutritionists, or plastic surgeon on speed dial or even the time/energy/ability to go to the gym.  But now, at 6/7 months post partum, I am getting much closer to being able to return to normal activities again.

In several Scandinavian countries, the amount of time a mom gets home with the kids is a year. A YEAR! This seems crazy to us here in the good ol U.S. of A since we are back at it after 6 weeks. That just seems inhumane. I was so not physically or emotionally ready to go back at that point and neither is baby. The silver lining of no job was that I didn't have to.

But then going back after 3 months was super difficult. Still not getting sleep, still breast feeding regularly, taking care of 2 kids, etc etc. I know I am not the only one who does this so this is not a "woe is me" rant but that doesn't negate that it is so hard!

I would not work if I didn't have to, however, being a stay at home mom is really hard too especially without the support of relatives and/or mom friends so I still can't decide which is preferable. The kids are getting great attention and social time at school so it's good for them there but I do also wish I could be with them. I do enjoy working too so then there's that...

Anyway, I would say for most new moms, don't expect to bounce back immediately or even for the first year. Don't stress yourself out worrying that you don't look like your hot 16 year old self (haha). Easier said than done of course because I forget to take my own advice but really, will my kids care that my tummy is fluffier or riddled with stretch marks or that I won't look as "good" in a swim suit? No, but they will remember that Mom didn't play with them at the beach because she was too self conscious to wear a swim suit!

What I need to remember and what has been so helpful to me in this process of becoming a mom is talking to people, anyone. Talking to and spending time with other adults is necessary and can be so helpful and encouraging when you are otherwise at home covered in who knows what substance, listening to the theme song for "Chuggington" 4,268 times, and talking baby and toddler talk all day. Plus, hearing mom's experience and having encouragement is a good reminder that this is an awesome challenging time that I wouldn't change for anything.

You Were the First

Greetings interwebs! I have been wanting to get back to blogging but lots of (mostly fun) life changes have gotten in the way. Our family has slowly, or maybe quickly, become an even 4 with the addition of little Lucy in August. Finn is now almost 4! I both can and can't believe it. Veteran parents love to tell new parents "enjoy it while you can, because it goes by fast!" This is both true and not true.

It is hard to not enjoy the moments of a new baby since they kind of take over your entire lives and change everything as you once knew it. The phrase, "enjoy it while you can" puts a lot of pressure to make sure you don't miss a SINGLE MOMENT! Well, you are going to miss things. It's just the reality. But, it doesn't mean you can't keep enjoying other things you don't miss. Maybe Dad got to see the first step or Mom heard their first word or saw their first smile but what about their second, third, thousandth, etc.? Those are just as exciting because your babies are doing exactly what they are supposed to be doing.

Maybe I am one of the weird ones in that I have been excited for when my kids are older. Sure, they are super cute as babies but newborns are exhausting and, not going to lie, a little boring. Both of my kids, especially Finn, have been the worst sleepers. They just are too interested in the outside world to waste any time sleeping! Thankfully, now, Lucy is 6 months old and our sleep training has been going quite well. She has gone several nights of 10 hours straight and a few with only one time getting up. It is surprising the things you forget from the first to the second kid, especially since they are 3 1/4 years apart. It is also interesting how you expect your kids to be the same but that is definitely not the case! Finn was a very active, busy little dude and Lucy, while sill very alert and interested in everyone like Finn, she is much more content and happy just sitting, and playing with toys. Maybe it's girls? Maybe it's the second kid? Maybe it's because she has Finn as a constant entertainer? Whatever it is, both kiddos absolutely adore each other and I love seeing them interact as they continue to get older.

Ok so shifting gears slightly... while things with the kids are starting to smooth out, and we have figured out our routines, it has not been easy. I mean, duh, but my title, "You Were the First" has to do with how I have been the first in regards to starting my adult life. ("You Were the First" is also a sweet book Finn was given when I was pregnant with Lucy in order to help ease the transition from one to two kids... if you are expecting a second, it really is a darling book!)

Anyway! it was my inspiration for this blog because I want to talk about the excitement and frustrations with being "the first". Being the oldest child and oldest grandchild, I was the first to do a lot of things. While this is a good thing sometimes, it was also a little stressful in trying to figure things out since I didn't have anyone to look up to as an example... you are welcome younger siblings and younger cousins! I was the first to go to college, first to get married, first to move away from home, first to buy a house (which, by the way sometimes feels like a one room homestead... especially in the winter when we don't have any fans for white noise and one bathroom, but I'll get in to that later) and first to have kids. So, since everyone else that had maybe done that (aunts, parents, grandparents, for example) it was far enough removed that things were different. Going to college changed since, say, my grandpa went to college (a person from whom I received a lot of guidance) but I didn't know. Even aunts... very different. So getting to college was, to put it lightly, a rude awakening!

Not only was going to college a very different experience than what I was expecting, so was getting married, moving away, and having kids. We were "young" to be getting married and many of our friends were not even in serious relationships yet. (I do want to make sure,before I move on, that people do not think I am bragging or saying nah nah nah nah nah I am first... that is NOT at all what I am trying to portray...) We then moved abroad and then away from home to Boise, a place we THOUGHT would be close to home or at least easily accessible to Kalispell or San Diego... um, not the case, we found out. The drive to Kalispell, though beautiful, is long... 13 hours. When you look at the map, Boise does not look to be that far away but wow, there are a lot of mountains, rivers, and windy roads that make it quite the trip. Driving to Portland or even Seattle is a closer drive, as we have found... which is crazy! And up until recently, no direct flights to San Diego... but it's not like it's cheap to fly from Boise to SD... something we also underestimated. So, here we were, by ourselves, with family not as close as we thought, but we were slowly making friends.

Then we got pregnant. Being pregnant when you don't have family or mom friends around is harder than you would think. I got a rude awakening when I would post things on facebook, looking for support when the most common response I would get was, "welcome to motherhood". Gee. Thanks! Feeling alone here and legitimately asking for help and support but yeah, just tell me to piss off and deal with it. That's a cool thing to say to a new mom who has no idea what they are doing. So I just dealt with it. Because I would be shut down every time I would ask for help. This is why I never ask for help. However, people love giving advice when I am not asking for it... smh.... If you're a mom, please try to be understanding. There are people out there legitimately asking for help and if it takes a village, then be a village. I didn't have a village so I was looking for a village but didn't find one.

Fast forward to second pregnancy.... it was SO much harder than the first just in a physical sense. I was uncomfortable pretty much from day 1. I also felt more emotionally drained and was very unhappy at work. Again, did not feel supported from people I thought would be supportive. Oh, and I lost my job. Lots of strain on a pregnancy. It was tough all the way to end. Labor went 21 hours and Lucy was flipped face up so her head was pressing on my spine. I basically had a natural birth despite an epidural (leg cramps like I have never experienced and back labor). On a scale of 1-10, my pain was at like an 11... and I believe I have a pretty high pain tolerance.

However, Lucy represented the end of a challenging time and the beginning of a new, still challenging, but exciting time. 2 kids! Whew!

 I tried to enjoy my time as a stay at home mom but still had that feeling of uncertainty. Not sure what I wanted to do for work, not sure if what I was applying for would work out or if I would like it (I applied and interviewed for one job but it ended up not feeling right and declined the offer). Fast forward a little more to mid-December... I got another interview for a paraprofessional job and got the job! I would start after Christmas break working in an Excel classroom with children that needed extra classroom support due to behavioral or academic issues. This was exciting to me but also nerve-racking since my last experience in a brand new program (BIS in Korea) was very stressful and not at all what I thought...

After a joyous Christmas celebration in San Diego (Lucy's first!) and an extra week of vacation due to snow days, I started my 8th new job in Boise...